Bringing Up Baby

Today I woke up and for a moment I lay still staring at the ceiling and forced myself to listen to my breath.  I lay there and felt my chest rise and fall as I breathed.  It took all my will power to keep my focus on my breath, a mindfulness technique I have been taught.  I did this for maybe 30 seconds maybe a minute as my husband got up to the baby.  I was lying there trying to keep my focus off the one thing that has dominated my thoughts recently.  The dark, dismal feelings that have clawed their way into my life that bring with them the thoughts that I just can’t go on anymore.  These thoughts bring with them tears and heartbreak and they make living a normal life more and more difficult. My bipolar disorder has made me prone to depression.  It is a life long battle, but as my husband carries my beautiful son into our room that battle has to be put on hold; a momentary truce.  He is my world, the reason my heart beats and despite my turmoil...

My little boy was 6 months old when we finally got a call to say that we had a space at a special pool that specialises in baby swimming and sensory. I was so excited to embark on this new adventure with my baby! After I had bought him his swimming nappies and the special requirement over nappy I dug out my old swimsuit! I realised with horror that my swimming costume didn’t fit my post baby body! I did what all mums do! I made do, feeling a little uncomfortable and embarrassed I quickly scooted into the pool in the hope all eyes would be on the giggling splashing babies! I promised myself I would lose the baby weight and it would be fine but that is not a quick solution and frankly being a mum has done nothing for my waistline.  So when I was offered the opportunity to review a product from   UK Swimwear  it was like my prayers had been answered! As I browsed the extensive designer swimwear collection I was spoilt for choice!  But the costume I chose came in ...

It has come far too quickly! Everybody told me it would fly by and it has done.  I cannot believe that I am fst neqring the end of my maternity leave and as the SMP runs out I have to go bck to work!  Yes I would rather stay at home with my baby boy, but sadly for me that is just not a viable option. I could weep and break my heart over this but instead I am trying to focus on the positive that I only have to go back part time.  What this has led to is the trauma of deciding which nursery to send my most prized treasure too!  Something I was not anticipating to be quite as difficult as it was. For me geographical poximty was kind of irrelevant as I live in a rural village in a rural area so the local town is really the only option; any nursery would require a car journey so this factored quite low on the priority list. Which opened up about 6 possibilities. People told me I would have a gut feeling abour a nursery and it didn't matter what anyone else told you, you ...

It is 2am and the baby is awake, that is not unusual for babies!  But this is the start of my little boy waking himself up every hour until morning.  He is 6 1/2 months old now and he has never slept through, he has never really slept more than 4 hours and that is just how it is.  When I bought him home, my perfect little bundle of joy, I quickly became concerned there was something wrong with him. He never was still!  His arms waved up and down continuously and it looked so bizarre I was worried he was having some kind of seizure or that they were involuntary movements. I saw a health visitor and she agreed he was very active, we had a Neonatal behavioural assessment to help me read his cues as he just wouldn't sleep.  I felt like it was my fault bit I was reassured all was well.  The assessment was really useful we looked at his cues and how to read his behavioural states.  The newborn  has 6 behavioural states and understanding and noticing th...

Pregnancy and motherhood is the most natural and wonderful life changing events a woman will go through.  When you are pregnant for the first time there is a blissful ignorance of what is about to come. It's the most beautiful, romantic time and it's all hope and happiness.  You can't quite imagine what it's going to be like, but you know it's going to be beautiful! You feel your baby move and your heart is filled with love and excitement and you haven't even met them yet but you already know that you are carrying your world with you. It is not coincidence we all feel this way; it is by design.  Right from the word go their is a powerful force responsible; she is called Mother Nature. When your baby arrives, and let's face it ladies, labour is one hell of an eye-opener! It's nothing that you could have imagined and it's hard to describe. Mother nature makes it so you can just about cope, you can bear it, so that you will be so filled with relief...

This weekend I went to get some new jeans and tried a few sale tops on as well while I was out and about.  My body has changed quite a lot since I had Charlie, particularly the breasts! In fact I ended up feeling like a sack of potatoes and came home feeling quite deflated (ironic I know!). I have always been quite athletic, I have always used exercise to manage stress and anxiety and to be honest I have missed It!  I also don't appreciate my new bulging muffin top and ever inflating bust which seems to be my biggest issue at the moment!  I know that a lot of that has to do with the boredom and loneliness I have felt being a mum as well of course as breastfeeding.  I don't eat that healthy and am guilty of grabbing whatever is quick and easy and I also go out for lunch or a coffee and cake (a lot!) just so I feel like I have done something with my day and to get out of the house! So after feeling hopeless and sorry for myself and after reaching for a packet of...

As a new mum I struggled with depression if I could have told myself in my darkest moments anything this is what I would say: 'I know you are hurting right at this moment because depression has come to you at a time you thought you would be blissfully happy.  You feel like you can't cope with the tiny little baby that has turned your world upside down.  I know that you are being torn apart by the love you feel but the desperation that consumes you is overwhelming. And that is ok because you are still going and still trying! I know you want the baby to stop crying and to be able to comfort him through his colic because it hurts you to see him suffering. I know your struggling to cope with the intensity of motherhood and are handing the baby to whoever visits just for some respite but then feeling immense guilt when someone takes him.  I know you are crying every time you are on your own because you think you are failing and you want to be better.  I know...

Shopping with a baby is not as easy as it used to be before your little one arrived. In fact it can be an expedition! As a new mum I found that some shops are just not that pram friendly!  You will probably only find this out as you catch your wheels on a rack or shelving display as your sleek new pram starts to feel like a hummer trying to drive down the backstreet alleys!  A similar fate may also await you if you fail to choose a pram friendly cafe.  Numerous times I have found a quiet discreet table in a cafe where I can have a relaxed feed for Charlie while I sip a coffee; only to have failed to consider whether I could get out again if more customers arrived.  So the relaxed half hour is instantly cancelled out as I have to start shuffling chairs, tables and fellow customers to get me, baby and pram out. I also have found in some department stores finding the lift is not always easy. Me and Charlie have walked around and around following signs that seem ...

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive but I really took a flippant remark to heart this weekend.  I feel I need to address it even if it is just to try and keep my vulnerable new mum confidence in tact. As a first time mum I worry about everything and I work tirelessly like all mummy's to make sure I am doing the best for my baby so when I was told by a family member that 'I didn't know how lucky I was' that Charlie was such a 'good baby and I am lucky he sleeps so well' it took me by surprise. The comment itself seems so harmless but has actually affected me and left me feeling a little angry. In some respects I agree, there is an element of luck in having a Baby. I am lucky I was blessed to get pregnant and to have Charlie. I also agree Charlie is wonderful (I am biased of course); he is a very sociable, happy little boy most of the time! But to describe me as lucky because he is good has left me feeling like the achievements I have accomplished with Ch...

I have always been shy and easily embarrassed. I was one of those teenagers that liked to keep things covered up not on display so breastfeeding in public was not just something that worried me it was a real fear.  For me breastfeeding had got off to a bad start anyway as my little one had a tongue tie , meaning he couldn't latch and feed without the use of nipple shields. Well my friends if you have tried nipple shields the slippery little blighters are enough of a challenge in your own home let alone in a public place!  So my first public breastfeeding was a planned affair - I had a walk round my local town with the pram and then headed to a relatively quiet cafe to feed.  I decided not to try and fit the shield in public and pottered off to the toilets to fit them.  As I left the toilets looking like Madonna with my two pointy nipples I felt the embarrassment blush creeping up my neck. I was looking to see who was looking and to my horror they were all lookin...

We were eagerly anticipating the arrival of our bundle of joy and were looking for our little ones moses basket when we stumbled across a new concept in mamas and papas ; the side sleeping cots which allowed co-sleeping with safety.  There were two options available in-store the Snuz Pod and the Chicco Next 2 Me .  Both offer the benefits of the baby sleeping close to mum with a drop down side and larger bassinets than the moses baskets. Initially I liked the more stylish shape of the Snuz Pod with the wooden frame, and its ability to rock certainly would have come in handy. However, one of its selling points was the ability to remove the bassinet and use it round the house - something that I didn't intend to do as I had already purchased a pram with a bassinet that could be used downstairs. The Chicco had the advantage of being easily collapsable so it could be used as a travel cot too. The Chicco Next 2 me had straps to secure the base to the bed and to me ...

I am blessed to have my son and I love him with all my heart but as every mother knows sometimes being a new mum is really hard. It's not just the lack of sleep and the being needed constantly that is challenging to get to grips with; part of me is mourning for the person I was before I had Charlie. I have always been an ambitious, driven career woman bringing home a decent wage and working 45+ hours a week. I love the challenge of my work it's fast moving, problem solving, technical work that stimulated me in a way that this new role can't. I miss the intellectual conversation that I have now traded in for nursery rhymes and mum talk about nappies. I miss the feeling of mental exhaustion, I miss feeling successful and I miss bringing home a wage that ensured financial stability. I miss the freedom of going for a run or playing hockey without worrying about feeds and bedtime and whether by taking half an hour for myself I am somehow neglecting Charlie. I miss my pre-pregna...

In a world of social media and instant inter at access at your fingertips it's easy to find that your not alone in the daily struggles of motherhood. As a first time mum I have an internet history full of weird and wonderful questions - from my baby hasn't pooped for 3 days, to what developmental milestones should my baby have reached by now. While the instant access to information and opinions is often reassuring, I have found myself obsessing over whether I am doing the right things or if I should have tried something else or bought another gizmo in. It made me think what life was like before Google for mums. How did they cope when they couldn't just grab a mobile and type in a random question and have instant access to the vast array of answers. Instantly I think how lucky I am! And certainly there are times good old Google has helped me when things felt bleak - for instance my breastfeeding journey was difficult to start with and the YouTube videos of koala holds and...