I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be. It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes. It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose. The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to. It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down. I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever. I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly. In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living. I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships be...
I have bipolar, I have suffered with it since I was a teenager. Like many I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my twenties. By the time I was diagnosed my life had effectively stopped. I couldn't leave the house, I was frightened of everyone and everything. It started out with a bit of paranoia, that the person across the street was looking at me, that everyone was judging me, that people were talking about me. It grew and grew into something that was out of control. I started to think people were bugging my house; listening to me, recording my conversations, that there were people following me, watching my every move, they wanted to hurt me. Looking at it now with the knowledge about mental health that I know have I can see that my anxiety was causing my mind to have these glitches, moments of irrational fear, But at the time it was so overpowering and I was so alone that it just kept growing until I could hear and see things other people co...