I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be. It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes. It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose. The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to. It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down. I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever. I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly. In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living. I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships be...
I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be. It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes. It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose. The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to. It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down. I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever.
I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly. In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living.
I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships because I always leave or maybe it's because I am shy and struggle with anxiety so find it hard to make new friends. Whatever it is there are these moments where I long for a friend. Since having the Baby I have realised it all the more. I am more isolated than ever, I force myself to groups just to see someone else that day. I have made mummy friends but we aren't close. There is nobody to share my worries and fears or to make me laugh and forget my looming unemployment and desperate financial situation. There is nobody to take the strain when the Baby won't nap and he needs to be held all day. To be honest most of the time there is just nobody there.
I have family near by but they are busy with their own lives and problems, I have a husband and yet 99% of the time it's just me and the baby. Don't get me wrong I am doing it, I am doing it well. My baby is thriving and happy and I love him with every fibre in my body.
Yet here I am. Alone. Letting the tears fall silently because I am ashamed to be so pathetic. I feel like I spend the days treading water, keeping my head above the surface and at night I lie silently wishing somebody would help me. Other nights I wish I would just drown. Sometimes I imagine running away from all the woes, me and my baby, just us. Sometimes I think about waking my husband and telling him I am on the edge of coping, that I am scared of the future, worried about money, exhausted beyond words. Buy then since the Baby came the distance between us is greater than it has ever been. My best friend and soul mate is just a little out of my reach and I haven't got the energy to close the gap.
Instead I quietly lie awake, worrying, fretting and hoping things are going to be ok. Praying I am a good mum and that my child is happy and healthy. Knowing that when I became a mum, be literally became my world, and although it is the most wonderful thing in the world it is also right now the loneliest I have ever been.
So sorry you are feeling like this. I am in the same space but for different reasons I feel terribly alone, have no friends, lots of anxiety. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job with your child. Look after yourself, this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I hope it passes soon for you too!
DeleteOh, these words could be mine if I could only write so nicely. I wish we could all reach out and help stop that lonely, empty feeling, the worry and the fear. I hope your journey gets better
ReplyDeleteThank you! Writing this has helped me realise I am not the only one feeling like this so thank you for your comment!
DeleteHi. I relate so well to what you are describing. I was lucky that a midwife recommended me to a baby massage class for mothers with postnatal depression. I suffered mostly from anxiety. The 5 women I met there are some of the most amazing I have ever met and 3 years later we are there for each other. http://www.crossreach.org.uk/bluebell-pnd-service-0 I cannot recommend this service enough and hope there is something like this near you. I hope you get the chance to share your experience and meet some lifelong friends.
ReplyDeleteThat is wonderful to hear! I am not near there but I hope other mums who are struggling have a look! I have just started attending baby massage group which has a similar purpose in my area and I think it will help!
DeleteThis sounds like I could have written it also. Well done for being so honest.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteGosh it's like I wrote this. Right down to the military upbringing, shyness, nomadic tendencies and I'm lying awake now with my baby sleeping a few feet away, knowing there's no point sleeping yet as she'll be awake again soon and in the meantime I lie awake and wonder why after all these months I still barely scrape by all the chores and never find time or energy to do anything other than care for the baby. I'm so sorry you feel like I do as it's really, really hard. I don't have much else to say other than thank you so much for sharing this in a post as reading it, I feel a little less alone in my head.
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better for you soon! Thank you so much for commenting - it also helps me a little knowing I am not alone in feeling like this.
DeleteI so remember feeling exactly how you so eloquently describe when I had my first son. It was like I'd landed on another planet and everyone else was busy with their lives whilst I muddled on, learning as I went. It was made worse by the fact that my mum was grieving for my dad who had suddenly died just weeks before the birth, and my husband was away a lot for work. My son will be 30 next year, but I remember that time and my feelings so very clearly. I can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though you can't always see it, and that you are definitely not alone. Thank you so much for describing what so many are feeling xx
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this feeling, you are very much not alone. I have experienced it many times over the past 3.5 years, particularly when my husband was away (or just asleep), I've been out with a friend and failed to connect with them, or my children have been sick or just desperately, endlessly needy. I read a lovely book called "What Mothers Do" by Naomi Stadlen which helped to make me feel a bit better. You're honestly not pathetic for finding it overwhelming. Motherhood is HARD because you can never truly take your Mummy hat off. But the hat will fit more comfortably with time, I promise :-). I hope things look up on job front for you too x
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