I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be. It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes. It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose. The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to. It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down. I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever. I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly. In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living. I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships be...
I am blessed to have my son and I love him with all my heart but as every mother knows sometimes being a new mum is really hard. It's not just the lack of sleep and the being needed constantly that is challenging to get to grips with; part of me is mourning for the person I was before I had Charlie.
I have always been an ambitious, driven career woman bringing home a decent wage and working 45+ hours a week. I love the challenge of my work it's fast moving, problem solving, technical work that stimulated me in a way that this new role can't. I miss the intellectual conversation that I have now traded in for nursery rhymes and mum talk about nappies. I miss the feeling of mental exhaustion, I miss feeling successful and I miss bringing home a wage that ensured financial stability. I miss the freedom of going for a run or playing hockey without worrying about feeds and bedtime and whether by taking half an hour for myself I am somehow neglecting Charlie. I miss my pre-pregnancy body - this gentle wobble I can see on my boobs and tummy just isn't quite as empowering as the toned body I had before. I miss being independent and free to make decisions and choices at the drop of a hat. I miss being me as a single entity, because you have a baby and all of a sudden there is always two of you and the smaller versio is your constant priority. Don't get me wrong I don't regret Charlie for a second because I love so much more about the new me han I miss about the old one. The rewards of motherhood far outweigh the losses I feel. But it is taking some more adapting too than I had expected. The truth is I couldn't have prepared for the change because I just didn't anticipate how great it would be.
I think it's dawning on me that as a woman I can't have it all right now. A concept this modern woman would really like to defy! The careful balancing of time with Charlie, childcare costs and wages just leaves me exasperated. I am mourning for the woman that could go out and deliver targets as well as any of her male counterparts. Who earnt as much as her husband and felt independent and strong. Suddenly I am watching every penny, feeling every inch the 1950's stereotypical housewife and longing for a little bit of the old me. But what I have to remind myself is that it is only a short period of time that this miracle I hold in my arms is going to need me so entirely; and to see his smile and the love in his eyes makes every second worth it. It is ok to miss who I was because she has fundamentally been changed. I am now responsible for bringing up another human being and although in modern society this does not necessarily rank in the top 10 successes it really is the greatest achievement I will ever undertake.
A x
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