Bringing Up Baby

Today I woke up and for a moment I lay still staring at the ceiling and forced myself to listen to my breath.  I lay there and felt my chest rise and fall as I breathed.  It took all my will power to keep my focus on my breath, a mindfulness technique I have been taught.  I did this for maybe 30 seconds maybe a minute as my husband got up to the baby.  I was lying there trying to keep my focus off the one thing that has dominated my thoughts recently.  The dark, dismal feelings that have clawed their way into my life that bring with them the thoughts that I just can’t go on anymore.  These thoughts bring with them tears and heartbreak and they make living a normal life more and more difficult. My bipolar disorder has made me prone to depression.  It is a life long battle, but as my husband carries my beautiful son into our room that battle has to be put on hold; a momentary truce.  He is my world, the reason my heart beats and despite my turmoil...

It has come far too quickly! Everybody told me it would fly by and it has done.  I cannot believe that I am fst neqring the end of my maternity leave and as the SMP runs out I have to go bck to work!  Yes I would rather stay at home with my baby boy, but sadly for me that is just not a viable option. I could weep and break my heart over this but instead I am trying to focus on the positive that I only have to go back part time.  What this has led to is the trauma of deciding which nursery to send my most prized treasure too!  Something I was not anticipating to be quite as difficult as it was. For me geographical poximty was kind of irrelevant as I live in a rural village in a rural area so the local town is really the only option; any nursery would require a car journey so this factored quite low on the priority list. Which opened up about 6 possibilities. People told me I would have a gut feeling abour a nursery and it didn't matter what anyone else told you, you ...

Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a pregnancy related condition that causes severe nausea and vomiting; it can be so severe the sufferer may feel faint, become dehydrated and have significant weight loss.  Not only is it physically debilitating it can be mentally challenging too. Not only do you have the horrific sickness to contend with day in day out for weeks, you also may become isolated, house-bound and feel quite lonely.  Take into account the fact the joyous occasion of becoming pregnant being somewhat overshadowed by this awful comdition and it is no suprise depression is also very common in sufferers. If you are suffering with HG this post is for you: I just want to tell you to hold on and that you can do this. I know that sickness can start so early in your pregnancy. It came to me early too and I know that feeling. I know those fears. The fear your baby is at risk because you can't eat or drink properly. The desperation to hide your pregnancy but you are struggling because...

Motherhood has led to a variety of life changes but there are several things I now do that I never thought I would: 1) Sniffing baby's bum to determine if the nappy is dirty. Yes it's rank but totally effective and a trip to a baby group will show you this is a universal mummy skill! 2) I can remix a nursery rhyme like a boss! Not knowing the words to all time favourites has led to some rather bizzare versions! I just hope Charlie doesn't remember them! 3) Move like a ninja! I can move around a sleeping baby with skills that even Jackie Chan would envy! 4) One handed everything: make up, eating, dressing (zips are especially challenging!), cleaning, feeding dog and husband! You name it I can probably do it! 5) Peeing with a baby on my knee... sometimes nature calls at inconvenient times at and needs must! 6) Spend my time chasing the dog who has knicked Sophie the Giraffe again! 7) I can make animal noises for any animal you throw at me.... puffins f...

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive but I really took a flippant remark to heart this weekend.  I feel I need to address it even if it is just to try and keep my vulnerable new mum confidence in tact. As a first time mum I worry about everything and I work tirelessly like all mummy's to make sure I am doing the best for my baby so when I was told by a family member that 'I didn't know how lucky I was' that Charlie was such a 'good baby and I am lucky he sleeps so well' it took me by surprise. The comment itself seems so harmless but has actually affected me and left me feeling a little angry. In some respects I agree, there is an element of luck in having a Baby. I am lucky I was blessed to get pregnant and to have Charlie. I also agree Charlie is wonderful (I am biased of course); he is a very sociable, happy little boy most of the time! But to describe me as lucky because he is good has left me feeling like the achievements I have accomplished with Ch...

This blog is not an easy one to write because it bears a part of my personality that sometimes others can't accept or understand.  I have bipolar disorde r and have had that diagnosis for several years and although I am good with that when I made the decision to have a baby it caused me such inner turmoil.  On the one hand I felt my husband and I had so much love to give a child and that we were ready to start a family and my natural mother instinct was making me broodier by the day!  On the other hand I was crippled with fear; what if I couldn't cope with a baby? What if I got ill and they take my baby away from me? What if my child grew up resenting me for the illness that sometimes darkened my world? What if my child had bipolar too? Could I forgive myself if they felt the depths of depression like me? The truth was nobody could answer these questions and so I had to do some soul searching and I decided rightly or wrongly that to live a life of what if's was ...

As a new mum amongst all the cooing and admiration you will be asked 'Is he/she a good Baby?'. In order to help you determine, if indeed your baby is good, I have put together a list that may help! Was your baby less than 2ft tall (approx 70cm) at birth? If yes then you very likely have a good baby. Babies are generally small humans and so this is a good indicator. Incidently the longest baby recorded in the Guinness world records was 71cm and born in America. Can your newborn baby speak in full sentences? No - then you have a good Baby! Who wants a newborn shouting 'Mummy give me your boob immediately!' in the middle of a crowded supermarket. Most good babies do this in a code form which consists of crying noises - in time mummy will know what baby is asking for while the wider public will not! Does your baby produce plenty of wet and dirty nappies? Yes - then your baby is nailing this newborn malarkey! And if the occasional nappy explosion occurs all up th...

I am blessed to have my son and I love him with all my heart but as every mother knows sometimes being a new mum is really hard. It's not just the lack of sleep and the being needed constantly that is challenging to get to grips with; part of me is mourning for the person I was before I had Charlie. I have always been an ambitious, driven career woman bringing home a decent wage and working 45+ hours a week. I love the challenge of my work it's fast moving, problem solving, technical work that stimulated me in a way that this new role can't. I miss the intellectual conversation that I have now traded in for nursery rhymes and mum talk about nappies. I miss the feeling of mental exhaustion, I miss feeling successful and I miss bringing home a wage that ensured financial stability. I miss the freedom of going for a run or playing hockey without worrying about feeds and bedtime and whether by taking half an hour for myself I am somehow neglecting Charlie. I miss my pre-pregna...