I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be. It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes. It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose. The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to. It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down. I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever. I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly. In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living. I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships be...
As a new mum I struggled with depression if I could have told myself in my darkest moments anything this is what I would say:
'I know you are hurting right at this moment because depression has come to you at a time you thought you would be blissfully happy. You feel like you can't cope with the tiny little baby that has turned your world upside down. I know that you are being torn apart by the love you feel but the desperation that consumes you is overwhelming. And that is ok because you are still going and still trying! I know you want the baby to stop crying and to be able to comfort him through his colic because it hurts you to see him suffering. I know your struggling to cope with the intensity of motherhood and are handing the baby to whoever visits just for some respite but then feeling immense guilt when someone takes him. I know you are crying every time you are on your own because you think you are failing and you want to be better. I know you are worried you are a bad mum and you are somehow damaging your baby because your feel so low. But hear me when I say - you are doing amazing! The time and effort you are putting in may be exhausting now but in a few weeks you will reap the rewards! This baby needs you every moment of every day right now and he doesn't give you much back at the moment but his smile will melt your heart and it's worth the wait! His giggle and gummy grin is beautiful. There will be a time and it is not that far from now when you aren't going to feel how you feel now. Don't be afraid to be honest, confide in those close to you, seek help because depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I know it is not what you imagined it would be and you feel lonely and isolated but soon you are going to feel better and your guilt over your sadness will fade, you will keep going and your fears have only made you try even harder, your son doesn't know you cried today, he doesn't know you feel broken, he loves you without judgement and unconditionally. Your love for your child is growing every moment of every day and soon you will feel like you can do this. You will realise you are doing it! Your healthy happy boy is a credit to you and all the effort you put in! You may not think it but you are an amazing mum and your son adores you. Be strong, be brave and keep going. It is OK to struggle; you are not alone and it will get easier. I promise!
From the Mum you become'
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