Bringing Up Baby

Today I woke up and for a moment I lay still staring at the ceiling and forced myself to listen to my breath.  I lay there and felt my chest rise and fall as I breathed.  It took all my will power to keep my focus on my breath, a mindfulness technique I have been taught.  I did this for maybe 30 seconds maybe a minute as my husband got up to the baby.  I was lying there trying to keep my focus off the one thing that has dominated my thoughts recently.  The dark, dismal feelings that have clawed their way into my life that bring with them the thoughts that I just can’t go on anymore.  These thoughts bring with them tears and heartbreak and they make living a normal life more and more difficult. My bipolar disorder has made me prone to depression.  It is a life long battle, but as my husband carries my beautiful son into our room that battle has to be put on hold; a momentary truce.  He is my world, the reason my heart beats and despite my turmoil...

My little boy was 6 months old when we finally got a call to say that we had a space at a special pool that specialises in baby swimming and sensory. I was so excited to embark on this new adventure with my baby! After I had bought him his swimming nappies and the special requirement over nappy I dug out my old swimsuit! I realised with horror that my swimming costume didn’t fit my post baby body! I did what all mums do! I made do, feeling a little uncomfortable and embarrassed I quickly scooted into the pool in the hope all eyes would be on the giggling splashing babies! I promised myself I would lose the baby weight and it would be fine but that is not a quick solution and frankly being a mum has done nothing for my waistline.  So when I was offered the opportunity to review a product from   UK Swimwear  it was like my prayers had been answered! As I browsed the extensive designer swimwear collection I was spoilt for choice!  But the costume I chose came in ...

It has come far too quickly! Everybody told me it would fly by and it has done.  I cannot believe that I am fst neqring the end of my maternity leave and as the SMP runs out I have to go bck to work!  Yes I would rather stay at home with my baby boy, but sadly for me that is just not a viable option. I could weep and break my heart over this but instead I am trying to focus on the positive that I only have to go back part time.  What this has led to is the trauma of deciding which nursery to send my most prized treasure too!  Something I was not anticipating to be quite as difficult as it was. For me geographical poximty was kind of irrelevant as I live in a rural village in a rural area so the local town is really the only option; any nursery would require a car journey so this factored quite low on the priority list. Which opened up about 6 possibilities. People told me I would have a gut feeling abour a nursery and it didn't matter what anyone else told you, you ...

Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a pregnancy related condition that causes severe nausea and vomiting; it can be so severe the sufferer may feel faint, become dehydrated and have significant weight loss.  Not only is it physically debilitating it can be mentally challenging too. Not only do you have the horrific sickness to contend with day in day out for weeks, you also may become isolated, house-bound and feel quite lonely.  Take into account the fact the joyous occasion of becoming pregnant being somewhat overshadowed by this awful comdition and it is no suprise depression is also very common in sufferers. If you are suffering with HG this post is for you: I just want to tell you to hold on and that you can do this. I know that sickness can start so early in your pregnancy. It came to me early too and I know that feeling. I know those fears. The fear your baby is at risk because you can't eat or drink properly. The desperation to hide your pregnancy but you are struggling because...

It is 2am and the baby is awake, that is not unusual for babies!  But this is the start of my little boy waking himself up every hour until morning.  He is 6 1/2 months old now and he has never slept through, he has never really slept more than 4 hours and that is just how it is.  When I bought him home, my perfect little bundle of joy, I quickly became concerned there was something wrong with him. He never was still!  His arms waved up and down continuously and it looked so bizarre I was worried he was having some kind of seizure or that they were involuntary movements. I saw a health visitor and she agreed he was very active, we had a Neonatal behavioural assessment to help me read his cues as he just wouldn't sleep.  I felt like it was my fault bit I was reassured all was well.  The assessment was really useful we looked at his cues and how to read his behavioural states.  The newborn  has 6 behavioural states and understanding and noticing th...

Pregnancy and motherhood is the most natural and wonderful life changing events a woman will go through.  When you are pregnant for the first time there is a blissful ignorance of what is about to come. It's the most beautiful, romantic time and it's all hope and happiness.  You can't quite imagine what it's going to be like, but you know it's going to be beautiful! You feel your baby move and your heart is filled with love and excitement and you haven't even met them yet but you already know that you are carrying your world with you. It is not coincidence we all feel this way; it is by design.  Right from the word go their is a powerful force responsible; she is called Mother Nature. When your baby arrives, and let's face it ladies, labour is one hell of an eye-opener! It's nothing that you could have imagined and it's hard to describe. Mother nature makes it so you can just about cope, you can bear it, so that you will be so filled with relief...

Welcome to the modern world.  A world where being a woman is no longer a disadvantage.  Where we are all equal and all treated the same.  Well that is the world I thought I was entering when I left university feeling empowered, feeling excited for my future and full to bursting with feminism. Nothing would hold me back, I could do and be whatever I wanted. Naivety is a beautiful thing.  It allows us to see the world in the way it should be without the harshness of reality.  The feminist in me that was cultivated by a strong mother and a father who taught me that I could dream big as long as I worked hard still is in there even though my recent experience has shown me that injustice and prejudice still exists.  My Dad was right of course I can dream big, and I can and have proven my worth ten times over.  I have had a senior management position in a global company, I have not one but two degrees and I have a string of qualifications to my name.  ...

I have bipolar, I have suffered with it since I was a teenager.  Like many I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my twenties.  By the time I was diagnosed my life had effectively stopped.  I couldn't leave the house, I was frightened of everyone and everything.  It started out with a bit of paranoia, that the person across the street was looking at me, that everyone was judging me, that people were talking about me.  It grew and grew into something that was out of control.  I started to think people were bugging my house; listening to me, recording my conversations, that there were people following me, watching my every move, they wanted to hurt me.  Looking at it now with the knowledge about mental health that I know have I can see that my anxiety was causing my mind to have these glitches, moments of irrational fear,  But at the time it was so overpowering and I was so alone that it just kept growing until I could hear and see things other people co...

As a new mum I struggled with depression if I could have told myself in my darkest moments anything this is what I would say: 'I know you are hurting right at this moment because depression has come to you at a time you thought you would be blissfully happy.  You feel like you can't cope with the tiny little baby that has turned your world upside down.  I know that you are being torn apart by the love you feel but the desperation that consumes you is overwhelming. And that is ok because you are still going and still trying! I know you want the baby to stop crying and to be able to comfort him through his colic because it hurts you to see him suffering. I know your struggling to cope with the intensity of motherhood and are handing the baby to whoever visits just for some respite but then feeling immense guilt when someone takes him.  I know you are crying every time you are on your own because you think you are failing and you want to be better.  I know...

As I sit here writing this blog, I have my baby monitor next to me.  On the screen is a little baby boy on the edge of sleep.  He is what you would call drowsy but awake.  Yes! Drowsy but awake - the state those sleep gurus tell you is important in teaching your little one to self soothe and sleep on their own.  And the fact that I am sat downstairs watching him drift off is one of my greatest achievements as a mum to date.  In fact today has gifted me with this great achievement twice as I also had a drowsy but awake baby in the pram this morning.  By the time I had got half way around the block with the dog, my drowsy baby had fallen to sleep. Hurrah! But as I sit here sharing my moment of glory there is actually a growing unease in me; because although this is an achievement it is tainted by one small fact.  You see, I have a confession to make:  I can only get my baby to sleep in a swaddle.  He is 5 months old on Saturday and yet he w...

Shopping with a baby is not as easy as it used to be before your little one arrived. In fact it can be an expedition! As a new mum I found that some shops are just not that pram friendly!  You will probably only find this out as you catch your wheels on a rack or shelving display as your sleek new pram starts to feel like a hummer trying to drive down the backstreet alleys!  A similar fate may also await you if you fail to choose a pram friendly cafe.  Numerous times I have found a quiet discreet table in a cafe where I can have a relaxed feed for Charlie while I sip a coffee; only to have failed to consider whether I could get out again if more customers arrived.  So the relaxed half hour is instantly cancelled out as I have to start shuffling chairs, tables and fellow customers to get me, baby and pram out. I also have found in some department stores finding the lift is not always easy. Me and Charlie have walked around and around following signs that seem ...

Motherhood has led to a variety of life changes but there are several things I now do that I never thought I would: 1) Sniffing baby's bum to determine if the nappy is dirty. Yes it's rank but totally effective and a trip to a baby group will show you this is a universal mummy skill! 2) I can remix a nursery rhyme like a boss! Not knowing the words to all time favourites has led to some rather bizzare versions! I just hope Charlie doesn't remember them! 3) Move like a ninja! I can move around a sleeping baby with skills that even Jackie Chan would envy! 4) One handed everything: make up, eating, dressing (zips are especially challenging!), cleaning, feeding dog and husband! You name it I can probably do it! 5) Peeing with a baby on my knee... sometimes nature calls at inconvenient times at and needs must! 6) Spend my time chasing the dog who has knicked Sophie the Giraffe again! 7) I can make animal noises for any animal you throw at me.... puffins f...

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive but I really took a flippant remark to heart this weekend.  I feel I need to address it even if it is just to try and keep my vulnerable new mum confidence in tact. As a first time mum I worry about everything and I work tirelessly like all mummy's to make sure I am doing the best for my baby so when I was told by a family member that 'I didn't know how lucky I was' that Charlie was such a 'good baby and I am lucky he sleeps so well' it took me by surprise. The comment itself seems so harmless but has actually affected me and left me feeling a little angry. In some respects I agree, there is an element of luck in having a Baby. I am lucky I was blessed to get pregnant and to have Charlie. I also agree Charlie is wonderful (I am biased of course); he is a very sociable, happy little boy most of the time! But to describe me as lucky because he is good has left me feeling like the achievements I have accomplished with Ch...

This blog is not an easy one to write because it bears a part of my personality that sometimes others can't accept or understand.  I have bipolar disorde r and have had that diagnosis for several years and although I am good with that when I made the decision to have a baby it caused me such inner turmoil.  On the one hand I felt my husband and I had so much love to give a child and that we were ready to start a family and my natural mother instinct was making me broodier by the day!  On the other hand I was crippled with fear; what if I couldn't cope with a baby? What if I got ill and they take my baby away from me? What if my child grew up resenting me for the illness that sometimes darkened my world? What if my child had bipolar too? Could I forgive myself if they felt the depths of depression like me? The truth was nobody could answer these questions and so I had to do some soul searching and I decided rightly or wrongly that to live a life of what if's was ...

You will no doubt have an idea of what your breastfeeding journey is going to be like.  For me I had fully immersed myself with some rose tinted spectacles. It was going to be a beautiful experience where me and my son  those wonderful intimate moments together.  I was going to provide for my baby, all his needs, and have him look into my eyes dreamily whilst he fed. But that's not how it started out for me. Straight away I knew that something was not right. As the midwife lay my son at my breast and helped him attach he simply slipped off and went to sleep. Again and again we tried and he would suck once or twice and then slip off and fall asleep.   'Oh what a lazy boy you have! Don't worry he will get it!' Midwife, nurse and healthcare assistants told me again and again.   After 4 or 5 hours I felt panic rising that my baby wasn't feeding and although everyone kept reassuring me he would feed, he just had to get the hang of it, eventua...