I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be. It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes. It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose. The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to. It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down. I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever. I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly. In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living. I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships be...
As I sit here writing this blog, I have my baby monitor next to me. On the screen is a little baby boy on the edge of sleep. He is what you would call drowsy but awake. Yes! Drowsy but awake - the state those sleep gurus tell you is important in teaching your little one to self soothe and sleep on their own. And the fact that I am sat downstairs watching him drift off is one of my greatest achievements as a mum to date. In fact today has gifted me with this great achievement twice as I also had a drowsy but awake baby in the pram this morning. By the time I had got half way around the block with the dog, my drowsy baby had fallen to sleep. Hurrah! But as I sit here sharing my moment of glory there is actually a growing unease in me; because although this is an achievement it is tainted by one small fact. You see, I have a confession to make: I can only get my baby to sleep in a swaddle. He is 5 months old on Saturday and yet he w...