Bringing Up Baby

Today I woke up and for a moment I lay still staring at the ceiling and forced myself to listen to my breath.  I lay there and felt my chest rise and fall as I breathed.  It took all my will power to keep my focus on my breath, a mindfulness technique I have been taught.  I did this for maybe 30 seconds maybe a minute as my husband got up to the baby.  I was lying there trying to keep my focus off the one thing that has dominated my thoughts recently.  The dark, dismal feelings that have clawed their way into my life that bring with them the thoughts that I just can’t go on anymore.  These thoughts bring with them tears and heartbreak and they make living a normal life more and more difficult. My bipolar disorder has made me prone to depression.  It is a life long battle, but as my husband carries my beautiful son into our room that battle has to be put on hold; a momentary truce.  He is my world, the reason my heart beats and despite my turmoil...

I have not been happy with my post baby body for some time now.  It just has never felt like the right time to take on the battle of getting back into shape! There is always something that seems to take priority and one thing I have come to realise is that taking time for myself to work out or to go for a run has seemed selfish and unimportant since becoming a mother!  But as I stood in front of the mirror the other day in my underwear and I let my critical eye survey the damage of these last few months of neglect, My heart sank and the tears flowed!  I am baring all, to say to all you lovely mums out there who are feeling a little overwhelmed with your post baby bodies - you are not alone! So here it is, wobbly tummy and love handles galore! This is me! I am not ashamed of what I have become because every curve and wobble tells a story of my journey in motherhood, it tells a tale of me putting my baby first, making poor food choices out of weariness from lovin...

My little boy was 6 months old when we finally got a call to say that we had a space at a special pool that specialises in baby swimming and sensory. I was so excited to embark on this new adventure with my baby! After I had bought him his swimming nappies and the special requirement over nappy I dug out my old swimsuit! I realised with horror that my swimming costume didn’t fit my post baby body! I did what all mums do! I made do, feeling a little uncomfortable and embarrassed I quickly scooted into the pool in the hope all eyes would be on the giggling splashing babies! I promised myself I would lose the baby weight and it would be fine but that is not a quick solution and frankly being a mum has done nothing for my waistline.  So when I was offered the opportunity to review a product from   UK Swimwear  it was like my prayers had been answered! As I browsed the extensive designer swimwear collection I was spoilt for choice!  But the costume I chose came in ...

It has come far too quickly! Everybody told me it would fly by and it has done.  I cannot believe that I am fst neqring the end of my maternity leave and as the SMP runs out I have to go bck to work!  Yes I would rather stay at home with my baby boy, but sadly for me that is just not a viable option. I could weep and break my heart over this but instead I am trying to focus on the positive that I only have to go back part time.  What this has led to is the trauma of deciding which nursery to send my most prized treasure too!  Something I was not anticipating to be quite as difficult as it was. For me geographical poximty was kind of irrelevant as I live in a rural village in a rural area so the local town is really the only option; any nursery would require a car journey so this factored quite low on the priority list. Which opened up about 6 possibilities. People told me I would have a gut feeling abour a nursery and it didn't matter what anyone else told you, you ...

Hyperemesis Gravidarum is a pregnancy related condition that causes severe nausea and vomiting; it can be so severe the sufferer may feel faint, become dehydrated and have significant weight loss.  Not only is it physically debilitating it can be mentally challenging too. Not only do you have the horrific sickness to contend with day in day out for weeks, you also may become isolated, house-bound and feel quite lonely.  Take into account the fact the joyous occasion of becoming pregnant being somewhat overshadowed by this awful comdition and it is no suprise depression is also very common in sufferers. If you are suffering with HG this post is for you: I just want to tell you to hold on and that you can do this. I know that sickness can start so early in your pregnancy. It came to me early too and I know that feeling. I know those fears. The fear your baby is at risk because you can't eat or drink properly. The desperation to hide your pregnancy but you are struggling because...

I can't quite believe that my little boy is 7 months old next week.  What is more unbelievable is my maternity pay stops in 6 weeks and the inevitability of the return to work is looming. Currently me and my son are coming to the end of my breastfeeding journey and it is a decision that I am finding more painful than I ever anticipated. I didn't have the easiest of starts to breastfeeding and it took till around 14 weeks in to be pain free due to numerous issues (read my blog on the challenges I faced here ).  But after those 14 weeks things got better and better, breastfeeding became easy, and more than that, I started to enjoy the time I had just me and my boy.   I loved how he looked at me, how he relaxed, how content he was during and after feeds.   I felt like we were connected and as he got older it got even more special as he would laugh or smile as our eyes met while he fed or how funny I found it when he got distracted by some noise ...

It is 2am and the baby is awake, that is not unusual for babies!  But this is the start of my little boy waking himself up every hour until morning.  He is 6 1/2 months old now and he has never slept through, he has never really slept more than 4 hours and that is just how it is.  When I bought him home, my perfect little bundle of joy, I quickly became concerned there was something wrong with him. He never was still!  His arms waved up and down continuously and it looked so bizarre I was worried he was having some kind of seizure or that they were involuntary movements. I saw a health visitor and she agreed he was very active, we had a Neonatal behavioural assessment to help me read his cues as he just wouldn't sleep.  I felt like it was my fault bit I was reassured all was well.  The assessment was really useful we looked at his cues and how to read his behavioural states.  The newborn  has 6 behavioural states and understanding and noticing th...

Pregnancy and motherhood is the most natural and wonderful life changing events a woman will go through.  When you are pregnant for the first time there is a blissful ignorance of what is about to come. It's the most beautiful, romantic time and it's all hope and happiness.  You can't quite imagine what it's going to be like, but you know it's going to be beautiful! You feel your baby move and your heart is filled with love and excitement and you haven't even met them yet but you already know that you are carrying your world with you. It is not coincidence we all feel this way; it is by design.  Right from the word go their is a powerful force responsible; she is called Mother Nature. When your baby arrives, and let's face it ladies, labour is one hell of an eye-opener! It's nothing that you could have imagined and it's hard to describe. Mother nature makes it so you can just about cope, you can bear it, so that you will be so filled with relief...

There are a lot of emotions that I expected to feel when I became a mum. Happiness, love, joy, excitement, fear but one that I didn't anticipate feeling all the time is guilt.  Guilt appears to be the backdrop of every day life for me now. I feel guilty as a wife, a friend, sister, daughter and as a mother. I am unable to seem to get through a day without feeling this emotion in something I have done or in some cases not done. As a wife, I constantly feel like I am falling short of the mark.  Not that my husband has ever suggested it! No this is my own  self evaliation to blame here! The house is a mess, the washing basket is full or the washing in the machine is still in there 2 days later! Its the feeling of inadequecy because I am not earning, that I don't want to go back to work because my world now is a tiny little human we created but financial pressures are growing regardless. Guilt that I am exhausted, all the time!  I feel bad that I haven't got the energy...

This weekend I went to get some new jeans and tried a few sale tops on as well while I was out and about.  My body has changed quite a lot since I had Charlie, particularly the breasts! In fact I ended up feeling like a sack of potatoes and came home feeling quite deflated (ironic I know!). I have always been quite athletic, I have always used exercise to manage stress and anxiety and to be honest I have missed It!  I also don't appreciate my new bulging muffin top and ever inflating bust which seems to be my biggest issue at the moment!  I know that a lot of that has to do with the boredom and loneliness I have felt being a mum as well of course as breastfeeding.  I don't eat that healthy and am guilty of grabbing whatever is quick and easy and I also go out for lunch or a coffee and cake (a lot!) just so I feel like I have done something with my day and to get out of the house! So after feeling hopeless and sorry for myself and after reaching for a packet of...

Welcome to the modern world.  A world where being a woman is no longer a disadvantage.  Where we are all equal and all treated the same.  Well that is the world I thought I was entering when I left university feeling empowered, feeling excited for my future and full to bursting with feminism. Nothing would hold me back, I could do and be whatever I wanted. Naivety is a beautiful thing.  It allows us to see the world in the way it should be without the harshness of reality.  The feminist in me that was cultivated by a strong mother and a father who taught me that I could dream big as long as I worked hard still is in there even though my recent experience has shown me that injustice and prejudice still exists.  My Dad was right of course I can dream big, and I can and have proven my worth ten times over.  I have had a senior management position in a global company, I have not one but two degrees and I have a string of qualifications to my name.  ...

I have bipolar, I have suffered with it since I was a teenager.  Like many I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my twenties.  By the time I was diagnosed my life had effectively stopped.  I couldn't leave the house, I was frightened of everyone and everything.  It started out with a bit of paranoia, that the person across the street was looking at me, that everyone was judging me, that people were talking about me.  It grew and grew into something that was out of control.  I started to think people were bugging my house; listening to me, recording my conversations, that there were people following me, watching my every move, they wanted to hurt me.  Looking at it now with the knowledge about mental health that I know have I can see that my anxiety was causing my mind to have these glitches, moments of irrational fear,  But at the time it was so overpowering and I was so alone that it just kept growing until I could hear and see things other people co...

As a new mum I struggled with depression if I could have told myself in my darkest moments anything this is what I would say: 'I know you are hurting right at this moment because depression has come to you at a time you thought you would be blissfully happy.  You feel like you can't cope with the tiny little baby that has turned your world upside down.  I know that you are being torn apart by the love you feel but the desperation that consumes you is overwhelming. And that is ok because you are still going and still trying! I know you want the baby to stop crying and to be able to comfort him through his colic because it hurts you to see him suffering. I know your struggling to cope with the intensity of motherhood and are handing the baby to whoever visits just for some respite but then feeling immense guilt when someone takes him.  I know you are crying every time you are on your own because you think you are failing and you want to be better.  I know...

As I sit here writing this blog, I have my baby monitor next to me.  On the screen is a little baby boy on the edge of sleep.  He is what you would call drowsy but awake.  Yes! Drowsy but awake - the state those sleep gurus tell you is important in teaching your little one to self soothe and sleep on their own.  And the fact that I am sat downstairs watching him drift off is one of my greatest achievements as a mum to date.  In fact today has gifted me with this great achievement twice as I also had a drowsy but awake baby in the pram this morning.  By the time I had got half way around the block with the dog, my drowsy baby had fallen to sleep. Hurrah! But as I sit here sharing my moment of glory there is actually a growing unease in me; because although this is an achievement it is tainted by one small fact.  You see, I have a confession to make:  I can only get my baby to sleep in a swaddle.  He is 5 months old on Saturday and yet he w...

Shopping with a baby is not as easy as it used to be before your little one arrived. In fact it can be an expedition! As a new mum I found that some shops are just not that pram friendly!  You will probably only find this out as you catch your wheels on a rack or shelving display as your sleek new pram starts to feel like a hummer trying to drive down the backstreet alleys!  A similar fate may also await you if you fail to choose a pram friendly cafe.  Numerous times I have found a quiet discreet table in a cafe where I can have a relaxed feed for Charlie while I sip a coffee; only to have failed to consider whether I could get out again if more customers arrived.  So the relaxed half hour is instantly cancelled out as I have to start shuffling chairs, tables and fellow customers to get me, baby and pram out. I also have found in some department stores finding the lift is not always easy. Me and Charlie have walked around and around following signs that seem ...