I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be. It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes. It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose. The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to. It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down. I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever. I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly. In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living. I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships be...
I see the gorgeous Beyonce bump pictures and see so many people tweeting they can't wait to see her post pregnancy body. It makes me look a little gingerly at my own slightly wobbly tummy and wonder if I will ever have the body I used to again.
What I am almost certain of is that Beyonce will look Fab! Not only because she is stunning but she can afford to hire nutritionists and personal trainers to help her get back on track and a photographer who knows how to flatter The figure. The annoying thing about this fascination of celebrity post pregnancy bodies is that it opens the door to body shaming at a time when a woman really shouldn't be worried about her weight. Especially if you are breastfeeding as dieting can affect your milk and as a breastfeeding mum one of my measures of success is my little ones growth and weight gain. But from the celebrity magazines it also trickles down to give us all impossible targets as we look to our idols and try to emulate them. This is unfortunately the story for women of all ages and stages, not only pregnant or new mummies. But after pregnancy we have just bought another human being into the world and most of us are far too busy keeping them alive to have time to fret about how quickly we can get our body back or feeling guilty about not trying too!
Yet I am guilty of it too. Looking in the mirror wanting to look slim and cursing the muffin top as I try to squeeze back into my size 12 jeans. I see images of women boasting there beautiful figures and knowing I am nowhere near. For me though it's not the time to diet or to go mad exercising. I am healthy at the moment and although my huuuge breastfeeding boobs and my stomach have a wobble I would rather not see I can continue to eat healthy and gently increase my exercise again and in time it will go. Rather than being ashamed of my body I am going to be proud of the little one I produced! Yes I wobble in places I would rather not but I will let you in to a little secret - this mummy can rock a pair of spanx too if I want to look a little slimmer!
A x
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