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Showing posts from June, 2017

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A mothers Loneliness

I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be.  It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes.  It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose.  The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to.  It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down.  I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever.I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly.  In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living.I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships because I always leave…

Product Review: Marks and Spencer's front zip Extra High Impact Sports bra for the breastfeeding mum

This weekend I went to get some new jeans and tried a few sale tops on as well while I was out and about.  My body has changed quite a lot since I had Charlie, particularly the breasts! In fact I ended up feeling like a sack of potatoes and came home feeling quite deflated (ironic I know!). I have always been quite athletic, I have always used exercise to manage stress and anxiety and to be honest I have missed It!  I also don't appreciate my new bulging muffin top and ever inflating bust which seems to be my biggest issue at the moment!  I know that a lot of that has to do with the boredom and loneliness I have felt being a mum as well of course as breastfeeding.  I don't eat that healthy and am guilty of grabbing whatever is quick and easy and I also go out for lunch or a coffee and cake (a lot!) just so I feel like I have done something with my day and to get out of the house!
So after feeling hopeless and sorry for myself and after reaching for a packet of shortbread that…

Pregnancy Discrimination In this Modern World? Surely Not!

Welcome to the modern world.  A world where being a woman is no longer a disadvantage.  Where we are all equal and all treated the same.  Well that is the world I thought I was entering when I left university feeling empowered, feeling excited for my future and full to bursting with feminism. Nothing would hold me back, I could do and be whatever I wanted.

Naivety is a beautiful thing.  It allows us to see the world in the way it should be without the harshness of reality.  The feminist in me that was cultivated by a strong mother and a father who taught me that I could dream big as long as I worked hard still is in there even though my recent experience has shown me that injustice and prejudice still exists.  My Dad was right of course I can dream big, and I can and have proven my worth ten times over.  I have had a senior management position in a global company, I have not one but two degrees and I have a string of qualifications to my name.  I have stood shoulder to shoulder with m…

Psychosis Happened to Me

I have bipolar, I have suffered with it since I was a teenager.  Like many I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my twenties.  By the time I was diagnosed my life had effectively stopped.  I couldn't leave the house, I was frightened of everyone and everything.  It started out with a bit of paranoia, that the person across the street was looking at me, that everyone was judging me, that people were talking about me.  It grew and grew into something that was out of control.  I started to think people were bugging my house; listening to me, recording my conversations, that there were people following me, watching my every move, they wanted to hurt me.  Looking at it now with the knowledge about mental health that I know have I can see that my anxiety was causing my mind to have these glitches, moments of irrational fear,  But at the time it was so overpowering and I was so alone that it just kept growing until I could hear and see things other people couldn't, I could hear a com…

A letter to me with postnatal depression

As a new mum I struggled with depression if I could have told myself in my darkest moments anything this is what I would say:
'I know you are hurting right at this moment because depression has come to you at a time you thought you would be blissfully happy.  You feel like you can't cope with the tiny little baby that has turned your world upside down.  I know that you are being torn apart by the love you feel but the desperation that consumes you is overwhelming. And that is ok because you are still going and still trying! I know you want the baby to stop crying and to be able to comfort him through his colic because it hurts you to see him suffering. I know your struggling to cope with the intensity of motherhood and are handing the baby to whoever visits just for some respite but then feeling immense guilt when someone takes him.  I know you are crying every time you are on your own because you think you are failing and you want to be better.  I know you are worried you ar…

Nap time: Am I a failure because I do this?

As I sit here writing this blog, I have my baby monitor next to me.  On the screen is a little baby boy on the edge of sleep.  He is what you would call drowsy but awake.  Yes! Drowsy but awake - the state those sleep gurus tell you is important in teaching your little one to self soothe and sleep on their own.  And the fact that I am sat downstairs watching him drift off is one of my greatest achievements as a mum to date.  In fact today has gifted me with this great achievement twice as I also had a drowsy but awake baby in the pram this morning.  By the time I had got half way around the block with the dog, my drowsy baby had fallen to sleep. Hurrah!

But as I sit here sharing my moment of glory there is actually a growing unease in me; because although this is an achievement it is tainted by one small fact.  You see, I have a confession to make:  I can only get my baby to sleep in a swaddle.  He is 5 months old on Saturday and yet he will not sleep if he is not swaddled. A fact tha…

The adventures of shopping with a baby!

Shopping with a baby is not as easy as it used to be before your little one arrived. In fact it can be an expedition!

As a new mum I found that some shops are just not that pram friendly!  You will probably only find this out as you catch your wheels on a rack or shelving display as your sleek new pram starts to feel like a hummer trying to drive down the backstreet alleys!  A similar fate may also await you if you fail to choose a pram friendly cafe.  Numerous times I have found a quiet discreet table in a cafe where I can have a relaxed feed for Charlie while I sip a coffee; only to have failed to consider whether I could get out again if more customers arrived.  So the relaxed half hour is instantly cancelled out as I have to start shuffling chairs, tables and fellow customers to get me, baby and pram out.
I also have found in some department stores finding the lift is not always easy. Me and Charlie have walked around and around following signs that seem to point in a general dire…

10 things I do as a Mum I never thought I would!

Motherhood has led to a variety of life changes but there are several things I now do that I never thought I would: 1) Sniffing baby's bum to determine if the nappy is dirty. Yes it's rank but totally effective and a trip to a baby group will show you this is a universal mummy skill! 2) I can remix a nursery rhyme like a boss! Not knowing the words to all time favourites has led to some rather bizzare versions! I just hope Charlie doesn't remember them! 3) Move like a ninja! I can move around a sleeping baby with skills that even Jackie Chan would envy! 4) One handed everything: make up, eating, dressing (zips are especially challenging!), cleaning, feeding dog and husband! You name it I can probably do it! 5) Peeing with a baby on my knee... sometimes nature calls at inconvenient times at and needs must! 6) Spend my time chasing the dog who has knicked Sophie the Giraffe again!

7) I can make animal noises for any animal you throw at me.... puffins for example go 'puf…

Don't tell me I am Lucky! Tell me I am doing ok!

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive but I really took a flippant remark to heart this weekend.  I feel I need to address it even if it is just to try and keep my vulnerable new mum confidence in tact. As a first time mum I worry about everything and I work tirelessly like all mummy's to make sure I am doing the best for my baby so when I was told by a family member that 'I didn't know how lucky I was' that Charlie was such a 'good baby and I am lucky he sleeps so well' it took me by surprise. The comment itself seems so harmless but has actually affected me and left me feeling a little angry.
In some respects I agree, there is an element of luck in having a Baby. I am lucky I was blessed to get pregnant and to have Charlie. I also agree Charlie is wonderful (I am biased of course); he is a very sociable, happy little boy most of the time! But to describe me as lucky because he is good has left me feeling like the achievements I have accomplished with Charli…

Becoming a Bipolar Mum: Feel the fear and do it anyway

This blog is not an easy one to write because it bears a part of my personality that sometimes others can't accept or understand.  I have bipolar disorder and have had that diagnosis for several years and although I am good with that when I made the decision to have a baby it caused me such inner turmoil. 
On the one hand I felt my husband and I had so much love to give a child and that we were ready to start a family and my natural mother instinct was making me broodier by the day!  On the other hand I was crippled with fear; what if I couldn't cope with a baby? What if I got ill and they take my baby away from me? What if my child grew up resenting me for the illness that sometimes darkened my world? What if my child had bipolar too? Could I forgive myself if they felt the depths of depression like me? The truth was nobody could answer these questions and so I had to do some soul searching and I decided rightly or wrongly that to live a life of what if's was not health…

My painful journey to breastfeeding bliss

You will no doubt have an idea of what your breastfeeding journey is going to be like.  For me I had fully immersed myself with some rose tinted spectacles. It was going to be a beautiful experience where me and my son  those wonderful intimate moments together.  I was going to provide for my baby, all his needs, and have him look into my eyes dreamily whilst he fed.

But that's not how it started out for me. Straight away I knew that something was not right. As the midwife lay my son at my breast and helped him attach he simply slipped off and went to sleep. Again and again we tried and he would suck once or twice and then slip off and fall asleep. 
 'Oh what a lazy boy you have! Don't worry he will get it!' Midwife, nurse and healthcare assistants told me again and again.  
After 4 or 5 hours I felt panic rising that my baby wasn't feeding and although everyone kept reassuring me he would feed, he just had to get the hang of it, eventually I was shown how to hand…