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A mothers Loneliness

I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be.  It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes.  It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose.  The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to.  It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down.  I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever.I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly.  In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living.I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships because I always leave…

Don't tell me I am Lucky! Tell me I am doing ok!

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive but I really took a flippant remark to heart this weekend.  I feel I need to address it even if it is just to try and keep my vulnerable new mum confidence in tact. As a first time mum I worry about everything and I work tirelessly like all mummy's to make sure I am doing the best for my baby so when I was told by a family member that 'I didn't know how lucky I was' that Charlie was such a 'good baby and I am lucky he sleeps so well' it took me by surprise. The comment itself seems so harmless but has actually affected me and left me feeling a little angry.

In some respects I agree, there is an element of luck in having a Baby. I am lucky I was blessed to get pregnant and to have Charlie. I also agree Charlie is wonderful (I am biased of course); he is a very sociable, happy little boy most of the time! But to describe me as lucky because he is good has left me feeling like the achievements I have accomplished with Charlie had no value at all or rather I had nothing to do with them.  The very content of the comment showed the relative had no real understanding of Charlie anyway; he really is not a good sleeper! I have had to be really rigid about routines, he needs swaddling still and he would never drift off on his own accord. He is simply far to awake to sleep and so active, I always joke he has FOMO (fear of missing out) as naps can, at best, be described as a challenge.  Yet with perseverance, consistency and sheer will power I have learnt how to help my little one sleep when he is tired, it may take me some time and it means sometimes I can't just pop out in the car or put him in the pram because I need to swaddle and put him in a dark room just so he gets at least one good sleep in the day.    There is certainly no luck involved in his sleep patterns just pure commitment from myself.

The relative in question does not live locally and so has only met Charlie as a sleepy week old newborn and as his bubbly charismatic 4 month old self.  As I am sure most new mums would agree there is quite a rollercoaster of emotions and challenges between those two age groups none of which she witnessed.

What I felt was implied by this flippant statement, whether intentional or not, was that my ability as a mother is not responsible at all for my babies beautiful personality and so called 'goodness' (which to me is also a ridiculous thing to suggest - I don't believe at all in bad babies! See my blog about how to tell if you have a good baby here). That infact it had nothing to do with the weeks and weeks of effort and determination that I had put in. All those tears I had shed, those sleepless nights, the hours of rocking, shushing and pacing to soothe his colic, the hours of playing, talking and interacting to help him develop, the massaging, the bathing, the nappy changing and the burping; all irrelevant because the baby I had now was just a result of pure luck! And my daily challenges to convince my little boy to take the naps which, he didn't think he needed, we're completely unnecessary as luck would have ensured he was well rested enough to play as happily as he did with said relatives!

No, I will not accept that at all! Luck has nothing to do with it!  It is mine and my husband's constant worrying, effort and consistency with Charlie in the long days and weeks that have passed that is now paying dividends. Don't tell me I am lucky because he is good, tell me I have done a good job! Recognise the effort that goes into doing one of the hardest, loneliest jobs in the world - being a new mum!  

Yes I am lucky because I have a baby who I love with all my heart but what you see in that little boy now is not the result of the some my
stical forces, it is the result of hard bloody work! And so I politely thank you for noticing that I have done a blooming good job so far - even if you haven't noticed It!

A x


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