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A mothers Loneliness

I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be.  It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes.  It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose.  The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to.  It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down.  I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever.I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly.  In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living.I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships because I always leave…

Time to take back control: A Mum's battle with the Post Baby Body

I have not been happy with my post baby body for some time now.  It just has never felt like the right time to take on the battle of getting back into shape! There is always something that seems to take priority and one thing I have come to realise is that taking time for myself to work out or to go for a run has seemed selfish and unimportant since becoming a mother! 

But as I stood in front of the mirror the other day in my underwear and I let my critical eye survey the damage of these last few months of neglect, My heart sank and the tears flowed!  I am baring all, to say to all you lovely mums out there who are feeling a little overwhelmed with your post baby bodies - you are not alone! So here it is, wobbly tummy and love handles galore!

This is me! I am not ashamed of what I have become because every curve and wobble tells a story of my journey in motherhood, it tells a tale of me putting my baby first, making poor food choices out of weariness from loving a poorly baby, or because he wouldn't sleep, choosing to go out for a coffee and cake to get a moment of sanity in this wild ride I am on! It is just a consequence of neglecting myself to put my child first. 

I have always battled weight gain, ever since I hit my twenties I have fought the flab! I am not a natural athlete but yet I choose running to be my battlefield. I live rurally and so it makes sense to make the most of the hills and quiet lanes, besides since having the baby and only choosing to work part time it is difficult to justify a gym membership especially when the one thing I struggle to find is the time to work out!  I think in the last 12 months I have run maybe a dozen times at a push! I do, however play hockey for a local team on a Saturday and I often justify this as enough exercise for a week! Before I had the baby I would think nothing of coming home from work pulling on the lycra and heading out with the dog for a jog! But nowadays I just struggle to find the motivation, no more than that, the energy, to even think about going for a run.  I am exhausted from the 3 or 4 wake ups in the night, as well as getting up at 5 am to get to work, doing a full day to come home, collect the baby and start the evening cycle of tea, bath, book and bed!  The thought of pushing a run into the mix is simply frightful!  The upset I feel about my body is not thrust upon me by celebrity magazines, it is not what I think I should look like to be attractive, it is what I want to be to feel like a better version of myself! I am never going to have that celebrity size 0 body, and that is more than ok with me, because frankly I simply don’t have the need, time or inclination to have that!  What I want is to be more like the woman I used to be, who made healthier choices, who could run up the local hill in an afternoon because I felt like it, who could pound out 4 miles to relieve the stress of a bad day at work, who fitted in her jeans without the blooming zipper keep popping open! 

Yet I have to do something to achieve this! 

Why? Because I need to feel in control again, I need to feel happy and healthy and although I always, like all women, find a flaw in my body, I want to feel more self confident than I do now!  Also the balancing a job and motherhood has left me little time to destress, again one reason I used to run was to pound out any pemt up anxiety and worries!  Recently I have felt more and more overwhelmed by things and I think it is time I took some time back for myself and worked on these things that are hindering my happiness! My baby is now 12 months old and fast becoming a toddler, this has bought new challenges but it now feels like the right time to finally say enough is enough- time to sort myself out!

It isn’t going to be easy because I can’t simply drop the baby and ramp up the miles! No, I am going to have to be smart about it!  I need to take my chances where I can!  I also am going to have to knock convenience food on the head and get back in the kitchen!  I love to cook, but it has again slipped since I went back to work, opting for those unhealthy quick options like pizza!  We ll not anymore, this weekend I dusted off the Joe Wickes books that I loved to cook from and planned my weeks meals!  Tonight was a delicious beef, butternut and coconut stew and Charlie loved it just as much as mummy and Daddy!  The truth is it was quick amd easy to make but far more healthy than pizza!  I also loved cooking it, my mind was occupied by following the recipe, Charlie happily plays on the kitchen floor with pans and utensils while I cook and we all ate a healthy delicious tea together as a family!

The days of grabbing whatever is at hand also have to stop! Chocolate, I love you, but really our daily encounters need to end! My stashes of haribo also need to be relinquished, I need to find healthier ways to handle tiredness!  Sugar rushes are not a sustainable answer! 

The next challenge is the runs!  So tomorrow I will make the most of Charlie being at nursery till 5 and go for a quick run after work (I get home at 4)!  It is not going to be easy but nobody said it will be!  As the days get longer and the mornings/evenings draw out, there will be far more opportunities for walking and running! I know this is going to be hard for me, but there is nothing wrong with setting personal goals and targets!  Yes I am a Mummy above all else, but I am also a person and to put my health first occasionally will only benefit my child!  A happier, healthier mummy can only be a good thing!

So here goes nothing!  Wish me luck! 
Starting weight: 12 stone (168lbs or 76.2kg)
BMI: 24.1        

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