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A mothers Loneliness

I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be.  It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes.  It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose.  The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to.  It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down.  I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever.I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly.  In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living.I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships because I always leave…

Just Google It! Or maybe not...?

In a world of social media and instant inter at access at your fingertips it's easy to find that your not alone in the daily struggles of motherhood. As a first time mum I have an internet history full of weird and wonderful questions - from my baby hasn't pooped for 3 days, to what developmental milestones should my baby have reached by now. While the instant access to information and opinions is often reassuring, I have found myself obsessing over whether I am doing the right things or if I should have tried something else or bought another gizmo in.

It made me think what life was like before Google for mums. How did they cope when they couldn't just grab a mobile and type in a random question and have instant access to the vast array of answers. Instantly I think how lucky I am! And certainly there are times good old Google has helped me when things felt bleak - for instance my breastfeeding journey was difficult to start with and the YouTube videos of koala holds and laid back feeding were literally a godsend. But there is that slightly obsessive side of me that strives for perfection - I want to double check every decision I make about my own son with other women who I have credited with being better than me. I worry about everything so I read post after post in chat rooms where mostly the advice is kind and heartfelt and sometimes useful. But occasionally it may not work with my DS so I feel like I am failing or doing it wrong or I read a post with negative judgemental undertones which only make me even more nervous about my own choices.



My numerous apps give me updates on what my baby is learning this week and what to look out for, while kindly reminding me all babies develop differently, but yet I feel there is some pressure for DS to be meeting his milestones at least on time if not sooner. So I can sit back and say 'oh yes he can roll over now' or 'he has been grabbing for ages'. Like it is some badge of honour.  I wonder if my mother felt this level of pressure to succeed at motherhood. Her knowledge was restricted to what family or friends told her or the book she bought. There was less access to hundreds of differing opinions or advice. She just had to muddle through and she had the same fears of failing that we all have but without the endless evidence collecting that I do that someone else did it better.

What this led me to understanding is that we are all just muddling through parenthood and sometimes just letting go of what everyone else did or would do could give me the opportunity to let that mothers instinct grow. We all need help and it has its time and place but my fear is my own self-doubt and as I look at my DS today the real evidence is there to see - he is happy and thriving and that is all I could want for him right now. Maybe I should have the confidence to put down my phone and try what feels right and relax!

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